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Q: Is there a scientific conspiracy?

Physicist: Obviously.

Science started in the 1750’s when a cadre of ultra-wealthy nobles decided to use their extreme means to build complex and bewildering devices for the express purpose of, as Mikhail V. Lomonosov put it (in Russian), “… the obfuscation of the truth from all, the befuddlement of the masses, the erosion of spiritual pursuits, and to [waste a lot of] time.”.

In his letters to fellow conspirator Cantor, Newton boasted about their contributions to science and mathematics saying “What we do today, let it not be mistaken, is the most elaborate and vexing gaff ever perpetrated. This truly is a godly joke against which all other humour can scarcely be compared.”.

Within the conspiracy there are supporters and detractors. Einstein, crushed by guilt, finally recanted in 1960 saying (in German) “I made it all up. I thought it would be funny, but then things got out of hand.” At the other extreme are examples like Gallileo, who left his middle finger on display with a plaque that read (in Italian) “May all the Earth sit and spin like a plate upon my bird”. This plaque was later removed, ostensibly for being offensive, but in reality for accidentally revealing a truth about the Earth.

The scientific community didn’t become truly organized until the early 20th century in order to squelch public knowledge of ghosts and telepathy. Today psychic scientists like James Randi use their secret powers to “prove” that other psychics don’t exist by messing up their vibes. During a meeting of the NSF inside their secret volcano lair, NSF director Dr. Córdova was accidentally recorded speaking without her human face mask on: “Tricking people into injecting their children with autism and hiding all the health benefits of coal is easy. That’s Tuesday morning. The hardest part of my job is keeping all the free energy devices off the market.”

The scientific conspiracy was perhaps best summed up by Carl Sagan from the after-life “Why did I do Cosmos? Are you serious? Why did man pretend to go to the Moon? Why do we hide global cooling or make up germs? Why do we systematically spread bizarre and fantastic lies about the nature of all of existence, generation after generation? Because it’s hilarious.”

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